new year wishes to everyone..... this is my first story i m posting here on my blog...hope u guys like it....
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““Aarti, I can hear the kid crying. Can you please take him?”, I said, bent over tying my shoelace.
“Hmm…” came the mild reply from her. May be she was busy packing the stuff for my business trip. I went over to the bags and checked if all the necessary files were in place.
“Alelele….mera shona…what happened? Why are you crying?...you need mum mum….hmm?” I could hear her across the room, caressing the kid and soon he was silent.
“Aarti, where’s the project file?”
“It’s inside the almirah, son. I saw it there earlier today.” answered dad, who was busy with his newspaper, comfortably in his chair. I was glad he was here. I wasn’t quite keen to leave Aarti alone with the kid.
Browsing through the files in the almirah, I came across a blue envelope and wasn’t quite optimistic to see it. May be things from the past crawled upon me.
“I’m taking Arnav with me for a walk outside. You might have left before I return, so have luck on your trip. Catch up with you later.” Dad addressed to me and closed the door behind him as he left with the cradle.
I packed the project files and was thinking of whether to talk to Aarti about the file then or later. “Breakfast ready…get to the kitchen.” Aarti called out. And I decided it was time to talk to her about it and took the envelope with me.
“So, all set for your business trip?...what are you going to bring me from Mumbai?” she said cheerfully and I gave up the idea of talking to her, seeing her cute face. But I couldn’t hide the envelope in my hand and she could make out what I was going to talk to her about. I couldn’t help but placing the envelope on the table and gave her an awkward, helpless look.
“Hm…So, you decided to work again?”
“I was going to tell you after your return from Mumbai. But anyways, I sent my resume to them few days ago and they responded affirmatively…so, I thought may be I could do it.” she said hesitatingly. I just couldn’t stop myself from noticing the hesitation she still had when she had to admit something to me. Even after so many years……
“But what about the kid? He’s just six months old now.”
“Their office is near mom’s home. So I can drop him there and get him back while returning. That won’t be a problem.” she said rather submissively and I just couldn’t cross-question her cute reply. I just believed that whatever she had thought was in the best interest of the kid but…something still haunted me. Anyways, I continued with the breakfast.
As I rose with the bag to leave and reached the door, I just felt the need to say what all I had to say and I turned…out of so many questions popping up in my mind, I wasn’t sure which one I was going to ask.
“Aarti, was it your own decision to agree for our marriage, when I proposed you that day?”
Even for me, I wasn’t quite sure…had I asked the right question?...but still, I was successful to start the conversation. It had been always tough for me to start conversing with her. Whenever I did, I just screwed up speaking meaningless and hung up. So I prayed for better this time……
She looked at me, with eyes which said ‘you shouldn’t have brought this up.’ and replied, “Hmm?…” She paused to think for a better reply, as the reply she always had for me wasn’t going to suffice me this time.
“It was a decision of our marriage, of course, I made it myself. But what makes you ask this today?” It was just another moment when she just couldn’t realise that I’d been in pain due to her short and snappy behaviour.
“Aarti, can’t you just make out from my eyes that I just can’t see the love I want to see in your eyes? Every moment since we have known each other I have just felt like even after years of being with each other, I’m the only one to make the first move. Each time it is just me to ask you about this and that…you have been behaving so blunt, fearing me as if I’m going to get angry every now and then…did I ever tell you that I had a problem with you going to work? Can you please tell me what the problem with me is?”
She couldn’t speak a word, making me feel guiltier and urged me to stop as I realised my volume was turned full. She just sank back into the chair and said in a teary tone, “I don’t know, Vivek…I really don’t know what you mean. I don’t know what you say from your eyes…I just wanted things to get through happy and beautiful with you.”
“hey, see, I don’t want you to cry and all…but still, to this day, I haven’t been able to make out whether you love me or not. You don’t share a thing with me. Are you so secretive? I’m your better half…doesn’t being that buy me the right of being someone important in your life, who can know what you are going through?”
“I’m secretive…that’s me…why can’t you take me as I’m?”
“I’ve been doing the same throughout my life…taking you as you are and I have been in pain each time thinking that whenever you are hurt, you would never come to me first. Even after our marriage, all our conversations ended trying to find excuses to walk away. Many a times, it made me feel I should have never come back for you and put you through all this. I’d no right to come after a childhood craze and ruin your life too, when I’d ruined myself from first.”
Expecting for the worst, I still had a hope somewhere that she would raise from the chair and hug me, plant a kiss on my cheek and I would get lost in her embrace….but ….may be I just expected too much from her…
She couldn’t say a word and started crying. Instead of cajoling her, I just got angrier and shouted on her again. “Now you just stop crying. It’s making me angrier. I’m sorry. Ok?... I shouldn’t have brought up the matter. Anyways, it doesn’t matter now that you are struck up with me for lifetime and the kid has just come in with more...”and breaking through my words, I slammed the door behind my back, just to see dad on the way. I rushed past him with my bags….
May be it’s just one of those moments when you feel that your pain is greater than else’s and you, later, regret for not having understood them.”
*******************
Vivek, who had been sitting by the window sill, thinking about all the mess he had created back at home, still in all of his anger and cursing himself for having went back for Aarti and ruined her life, barely noticed that the train was boarding the Mumbai platform until his suitcase fell and all the files spread on the floor.
“MAHAGENCO???...” Vivek heard a young lady as she bent down to pick up his file with the same title and he was startled as the voice seemed familiar. As the lady rose, put aside her hair and adjusted her specs, he had no doubt about her identity.
“Bachcha!!!....what are you doing here???” as Anny passed Vivek his file back.
“Same question for you, bachchi…you know na, I work at Mahagenco. I’m here for an All-India-Meet on energy production….”
“…for rural areas.” As Anny completed what Vivek had to say, leaving him astonished. “Bachcha, actually, I’m here for the same meet. I’m the web-designing head for the organisation. Part time job. Kya kare, bhaiyya…shaadi k baad ghar me bhi time dena padta hai…”
“Right, ma’am. So how’s your darling?”
“Busy…busy with all his files and projects. But I’m glad he never gives me a chance to complain. I can see how hard he tries to take time out for me from his busy schedule. What about you? How’s Aarti and Arnav?”
“They are fine and Arnav’s growing fast.” said Vivek, after concluding that it was, too, early to tell her about problems at home. “Hey, meeting will be over by today evening. When are you leaving home?”
“Tomorrow evening.”
“Same here. Hey, why don’t we enjoy here tomorrow?”
“No probs. Hey, the train has boarded the platform, let’s get down and talk on the way.”
“Hey hypothetical girlfriend, you betrayed me, huh??? Shaadi k baad ka pehla affair to mujhse kar leti?” Vivek joked as they strolled out of the station.
********
Back home, when Vivek’s dad entered with Arnav, Aarti was crying in the chair. Before he could say anything, she got up and went inside the bedroom, wiping her tears. He couldn’t understand why they fought as they were so lovely as a couple. After putting off Arnav to sleep, he went over to Aarti to ask her what happened.
“Aarti, can I know what going on between you, two?”
“kuch khaas nahi, dad. Work load ka tension.” Aarti said hesitantly.
“You are bad at lying. Would you please care to tell me the truth?”
“hmmm….” Aarti gave out a sigh and continued, “Vivek feels I’m not able to express my love to him, I’m not able to understand what his eyes try to say. My hesitations are taking toll on our relationships.”
“And what do you feel about his notion…is he right or wrong?” said Vivek’s dad, interrupting Aarti.
Aarti waited for a moment, then admitted, “unfortunately, Vivek is right, dad. It has never been in my nature to express my feelings.”
“But you guys know each other from college time, I hope. Moreover, yours was a love marriage, as far as I guess, though, Vivek tried a lot to make things look arranged.” Vivek’s dad noticed that having-wronged-someone look on Aarti’s face. “Oh…so, it was a one-sided love marriage? You should have told him..”
Cutting through his words, Aarti said, “I agreed to this marriage myself, so, that’s not the problem. It’s my nature. I’m not so expressive.”
“Your mom-in-law and I got married back in 90’s and she was a village girl. Do you expect her to be expressive? But things worked out well. We had hard times coping with each other but then after Vivek happened, we never felt the need to try. You guys have known each other for so long. As far as I know you, you have been one of the most friendly girls Vivek has known. Do you really think your inexpressive nature is the problem? If your nature is really the problem here, then may be you haven’t been able to accept him as you better half and which is really a big problem because I’ve seen Vivek shattered back then at college, seen his happiness when he got married to you. Now, there’s the kid and whole lot of life to come for both of you, and you seem pretty confused even now. It’s better you have a thought about where are the things going wrong. Hmm?”
“Yeah, dad. I will. But first I think I must cook the food, else we’ll be starving.” as Aarti got up with a cute smile on her face….but still the thoughts haunting in her mind.
********
“What the hell am I doing?......i muttered to myself as I spilled over the bottle of milk for Arnav. I was still not able to calm my nerve on what Vivek said this morning. May be I am the culprit in screwing up our relationship…….
But how can I tell you, Vivek that, each time you give me that look demanding me to understand you, I curse myself and memories go back to that day when you called me and asked me to meet….that too after a long gap of almost 3 years….i thought that you would have overcome me. But you came back and I….i still remember that phone call from Divya….
“hello, aarti…..” I could hear her sobbing. But couldn’t make out why.
“would you please mind to tell me what happened?”
“th….th…that…Sanjay….”
“what about him? Is he still harassing you? Should I come over?....”
Cutting through my words…she said, “shut up, Aarti…..that damn guy hung himself …and left a suicide note by my name…. I’m so damn terrified by the thought of his death. i don’t know what to do…it is making me feel so guilty. He wasn’t so bad a guy to whom I should have ……”
The call was disconnected due to coverage failure and I myself was left in a shock.
I always questioned myself, cursed myself as to why I don’t understand what is love and why you love only me. You had always been my good friend… the thought of you hurting yourself always scared me….but if you did what sanjay did to himself…..the thought itself gave me a shiver…how could I say a flat ‘no’ or even ask you to wait ..that too after so many years ?.... I’m not sorry for what I did that day by asking you to come and meet my parents…..i just left you a message and left because i didn’t have the courage to face you.
It always hurts when you look in my eyes with those demanding feelings and I just can’t make out what you feel….. I still remember how awkwardly I reacted when you slid your arm around me on our first night…I’m so sorry till this date as to how instantly I put aside your arm and failed to realise that you were still in sleep. I should have probably said, “its ok”…but I couldn’t gather words. I’m so sorry that I never paid heed when you tried to talk with me in our yesteryears…may be I would have come to know that you had a habit of clinging on to something when you sleep. I’m sorry for the months you spent sleeping, clinging on to the pillow…I couldn’t guess the frustration you went through when the girl you dreamt to be with, was with you, but still, you couldn’t get a nap on her lap…you were scared even to touch me… I always understood when you always used to try to dig out topics for us to talk on but I could never get out of those “ok…good…nice” such kinda blunt replies…
When I was pregnant with Arnav, I was happy but I didn’t know how to say it, how to share it with you….that day, you came home with cradle and all those teddies…even I loved them…you were all energized… “Aarti, we will do this,…we will do that… hey, whatever it is, a boy or a girl, it won’t end up becoming any enggineer or doc….. well, will he become a good kid,hmm??” I always tried to avoid when you used to ask me something and I had to give you that helpless look because I could never look in those eyes and speak up….that occasion was no exception. But I knew I had to say something… “thank you, vivek” was all I could manage. And I totally understood the instant tear in your eye…because that thank you seemed as if it was full of gratitude, not love…as if you were some friend of mine, doing all this for me.
I don’t know what love is…I just don’t understand what you used to say all those years. It hurt me not to be able to understand you…but those things always went over my head.
I knew you never expected these words from me……even now you don’t... For you know, I’m not the one who could speak up her feelings….may be you even know the reason behind it, which is not clear to me yet…may be you know me better than me….for you, even my one hug would convey everything…..but I’m sorry I couldn’t do even that…”
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“So tell me…meeting’s over and your train will leave tomorrow evening...my hubby is still out of town…so going back home now will be of no use. Its better we trip around Mumbai…all those plans of the college days might have failed miserably but we always had a culture of successful instant plans, right?” Anny was bubbling like a kid, as she had always been.
“I’ve no probs, bachchi.” Vivek thought may be this would help his mind relax off the matter he left devastated at home. “lets go…but where? Juhu beach chale….like olden times…Madras ka Marina, Mumbai ka Juhu..hmm??”
“Awesome, dude….lets go there. We will have fun…kya problem hai yaar…jab bhi aisi koi instant khichdi pakti hai…all our friends are not there….”
“agreed. Anyways, lets get there before the sun sets, else we will miss a good scenery.”
They got themselves in an auto and were soon on the beach…it was almost sunset and may be just the way the sun sunk back into the ocean, Vivek’s heart was sinking into his own guilt. He wondered to himself how he could make things just right… He didn’t want to let Anny know anything….shaking his mind off all gloomy thoughts; he thought it would be better to enjoy the scenery.
Both of them took their footwears in their hands and strolled along the beach, the water lashing on their bare feet…Anny was all jumping and splashing water all over. Vivek barely managed to smile to cover up his gloom, was walking heads low.
“hey, you remember, last time we were at the Golden beach in Chennai, I told you “ek baar hi sahi, but beach is a place to come with your wife. She would really love it.”??”
Of course Vivek remembered but he was busy trying to stop the tear in his eyes…he just replied with a ”hmm…”
“of course, you remember it. But you never took Aarti to any beach, right? Kyu, pyaar jatane se abhi bhi phat-ti…..”
“I shouldn’t have married Aarti…” Vivek mumbled…
Anny barely heard what he said and when she saw at him, he was all in tears and exploded, “I shouldn’t have married Aarti, Anny. I screwed that girl’s life. She never loved me, yet I put her into this…” His words were barely understandable in between his sobs. “yeah, I fear her….i fear her leaving me. Moreover, I’m more scared of her getting sad because of me,…but you know what….i’m the only one who makes her sad…always….has been the reason for her gloom from years…”
When Vivek calmed his senses a bit after his freak-out, Anny made him sit beside the beach. She didn’t know what to say, because this was the guy who always stood beside her tears in the yesteryears. For the first time, she saw him shatter like this. She didn’t know what to ask. She kept mum…let him think his own way, as he used to ask her to do…and may be she did the right thing.
**********
“
I should calm down… no way shattering like this is going to make things right. Just calm your breath, Vivek….
I raised my head a little, and saw around. Since we came to this beach, this was the first time I had seen it properly. Everything around seemed familiar, reminded me of the day I met Anny for the first time…at the time of IIT-JEE counselling. This very moment, she is sitting besides me. She might be thinking of what came over me suddenly. may be she understands… That day even though I didn’t know this girl, Anny somehow led me back to Aarti……..
Even back then Anny was the same…talkative, bubbly, all dude-type (but also beautiful enough to make many a head spin.)…even that day I was busy with myself thinking about Aarti…whether she is the right girl for me or not…whether this is love or not… I saw at the ocean…. It was unlike anything I had seen all my life, the vast blue waters, the high tides, waves lashing all over me… but still they couldn’t take my mind off her. Even when Anny was just about to tumble into the water and held on to my shoulder accidentally, I just wished if she were Aarti… just wishing if she could be here, with me… Even when watching Anny laugh at the way I tumbled into the water, I could just think if Aarti would also like spending time with me.
When I went to Chennai, I was with a thought that then, it was the time let go off Aarti…. Past few years, that love, or whatever, had taken toll of the way I’d been living my life. My whole senior high school and junior were swept in the tide of love. I never for once forgot her; each moment I just thought of her… how I could make her fall into love with me, which of course I was convinced that, that wasn’t my task to do. When I overviewed my own age, I couldn’t stop suspecting my love as just an effect of films. Because even then, she never said a word more than what was to be said. She never showed any hint that she loved me, but I was all content in wishing that someday, she will be mine. That day standing there besides Anny, just thinking to myself that how much I would love standing with Aarti on this beach, what all I would throw away to make her mine, to help her feel love… my love for her… silently promising to myself that one day for sure I will come to a beach like this with Aarti. Anny made me realise that though there might be people around me, the place for Aarti is special and that day I promised to myself that whatever happens, I will never ever let go off her…
Last time, I was a just a kid, in the air of love for Aarti, thinking about her all the time, thinking of ways I could make her understand how much I care for her…..now, Aarti is the girl I have married… now, she’s mine, legitimately my better half...still, I’ve been sitting here, shedding tears, mourning over my devastated life…what has changed over these years??? I thought to myself that caring for her, being there for her always meant the most for me. If she can’t express her love, I will make do with it…but I can’t hurt her…I can’t let go off her….i suddenly felt a smile spreading across my face and I saw the sun had went down.
I got up…and seeing the smile on my face, Anny might have guessed that I was alright and also would have come up with another instant khichdi.
“hey Anny, ghar chalegi….now???”
“bilkul…” I knew she wouldn’t hesitate even for a second.
“let’s go by air. You reach the airport and book the tickets. I have to get a bouquet and a greeting. I will get our luggage directly there.”
“OK, dude”
I don’t know how I was going to face Aarti but still, I didn’t want to be away from her…even for another moment….. We got up and left our ways to run our errands.
”
*********
It was a cold morning, time was around 7. Aarti was still in bed. Vivek’s dad had gone out for a walk. Suddenly the doorbell rang. Aarti got up…her eyes were still blurred…she saw her marriage pic kept by the bedside. She was reminded of all she should have said to Vivek… The doorbell rang again…
“Dad used to take the keys with him. Who’s there at this hour??” she mumbled to herself…and opened the door rubbing her eyes.
To her surprise, she saw Vivek standing with a bouquet in his hand and a greeting in other. All this time Vivek was so cheerful and eager to meet her…now she was standing before him and his eyes couldn’t meet hers. He gave a helpless smile and let out his right hand to give her the bouquet, though he had thought a lot that he would say this and that before giving her the bouquet….but what he was able to do now, was more than enough for his guts. All this time Vivek didn’t see in her eyes; if he would have, he would have seen that tear in her eyes and would have seen her leaping up to him to embrace him… it was a state of shock for Vivek because he realised that this wasn’t a hug of gratitude….but of care and love…the one which he always longed for. He thought if this could last forever….but….
“oh…to aag dono taraf barabar lagi hai…..uncle, we should have come sometime later.” Anny chirped in between and Aarti let Vivek go off her embrace. Anny winked at both of them as she walked in. She realised that everything that had freaked out Vivek back at the beach was alright now…
It was an eventful day, with Anny around…she played around with the kid, talked a lot with dad, in between getting in the kitchen just when Vivek tried to steal a moment with Aarti and hand over her the greeting himself. When Anny got an hint of what Vivek had been trying to do, she went right into the kitchen and never left Aarti’s side until the dinner. Aarti was puzzled thinking what Anny had been doing in the kitchen as neither she knew cooking, nor they were such good friends to spend so much time together. The whole time Vivek kept passing stares to Anny, and she kept trying hard to control her laugh at his helplessness. Tired as he was already, he finally placed the greeting card by the bedside, where Aarti slept, and went to sleep.
Finally after completing all her chores and everyone had slept, she came into her room to see the kid and Vivek sleeping. She saw the greeting card which she had seen earlier this morning. She opened it to read….
“I am sorry that I freaked out… I will always try to understand when you can’t speak up your feelings, but please don’t mind if I miss out sometimes. May be it’s my inability that I can’t make you understand what’s love. But I promise I will always be by your side…for you decided to stay back with me…whatever be the reason for it…I don’t wanna know…. I’m really thankful to you for having being there with me.
Always yours,
Vivek”
Aarti felt like a lump struck in her throat, trying to control her tears. She wondered if she could say all that to him. She kept the greeting aside and slept beside him, supported her head with her arm and kept staring at Vivek. She felt like if she could just cuddle him. She now realised what it meant to Vivek when he used to keep staring at her when she was asleep…or sometimes faked to sleep. The silence of the night was broken when the kid gave out a cry. Aarti got up to make him sleep again. Soon he was asleep again. When she got back to the bed, she saw Vivek’s eyes wide open…she smiled and tried to appear to go to sleep…but….she got back up….and…
“Do you want me to say something?” she said in a low voice.
Vivek was startled, he added, “no, its ok…..the way you were staring at me when I was resting, said it all…”
Aarti blushed…”I’m sorry I …” Vivek stopped her from adding more… “Don’t be…I’m glad you stayed by me and that’s all. That hug when I got back told me everything.”
Aarti kept staring into Vivek’s eyes. After years, she felt herself confident enough of doing that. Vivek slowly dozed off…satisfactorily after many years with a peace in his heart of having found his love, which took him so long…but in the end it was all worth it…. Aarti slid her arms around him, and was happily off to sleep…with a content in her heart….of having experienced the true love …which many fail to in a lifetime…..
Every once in a while, we fall in love with actors, celebs..... not just for the way they look, they act... but also, when we appreciate what they represent in their role. One such actress is Allison Mack who plays the role of Chloe Sullivan in SMALLVILLE (TV enactment of the legend of Superman). She plays the role of the closest friend of Superman/Clark Kent.